Children need structure, even when they are crying and pouting because they do not want bedtime, or they don’t want to stop playing to eat dinner….. Structure allows them to know what to expect, when to expect it and teaches them how to plan. It provides them a stability that they may not realize they need at the moment, but they will appreciate it later in life.
When I was about 8, my parents divorced. Fortunately, there was no big court battle or tug of war with me and my brother. However, we had no structure.
My mom moved to Bassett, my dad stayed in Axton (45 mins apart), they did leave me in the same school. However, the schedule they created for me and my brother was chaotic and honestly affected me in more ways than one.
Monday and Tuesday we were with my dad. Wednesday and Thursday we were with my mom. Friday, dad. Saturday, Mom. Every other Sunday they switched. My grandmother was the bus stop, so each morning we got up to go to her house to catch the bus no matter who we were with. That was about the only constant in my life. We had no bedtime at either house. As long as we let them sleep and we were quiet we pretty much did as we wished. At mama’s we woke up super early to get to granny’s in the morning in time to catch the bus. At daddy’s house we got to sleep a little longer because we lived closer to her there.
My mother was an alcoholic. So many nights it was just me and my brother at the house until she would come strolling in around 2:30 AM because she had closed the local bar down. On school nights I would sit up with her crying, drunk out of her mind…. I was so young I didn’t really know how to cook at that point so I would make her toast or anything I could to try and sober her up. Things were extremely unbalanced and out of order at her house. She dated around a lot, drank a lot and we just never really knew what to expect there.
My dad was an authoritarian. Much more strict with higher expectations of us than my mother. Growing up, it seemed like the only time we really spent with him was getting fussed at. He meant well, he wanted us to be the best we could be in all situations…. But as my mother was an alcoholic— my father was a workaholic.
As a child, I never really knew these things had any affect on my life. Upon growing up and making more friends I was shocked to find out that kids actually had bedtimes. Children of separated families usually had more balance-school year with mom, summer with dad or vice versa. Not everyone’s mom was an alcoholic. (Dad’s being workaholics seemed the norm amongst my friends.)
In my teenage years I began having friends come spend the night with me at my moms house…. Everyone always thought she was the coolest mom ever. She left me alone to go to the bars, so to them, it was like I had a place of my own to an extent. She didn’t care what we did— for example; at age 13, My friends and I decided we wanted to go to Walmart at 2 am. She came home drunk and we asked and she allowed us AT 13 YEARS OLD to walk an hour and a half away to Walmart in the middle of the night. My friends-“OMG your mom is so cool, my mom would never let us do this!!!!” The older I got the more I realized— my mom not caring about me is definitely not cool. Not cool at all.
I began to act out at home and in school. I made self destructive choices frequently- mom let me, dad fought me the whole way. I hated them all. Little did I know I was simply craving direction, attention and stability. I was torn between a parent that expected better and one that didn’t care as long as I wasn’t ruining her fun at the bar. I hated my dad for not letting me do what I wanted and I hated my mom for not caring what I did. That is a hard place to be in as a child.
When I had my first daughter I was 19 years old. It was in that moment when they laid her on my chest after hours of labor and minutes of pushing that I vowed to find the mid way point between my parents and be all that she needed. I wanted to have high expectations for her and a strict set of rules, however I wanted her to know mistakes will happen and that as long as she chooses to learn from those mistakes she will be just fine. I wanted her to have a set bedtime, as she grew older that time changed but she had a schedule, always! I wanted her to know that no matter what happened, mama has her back and will stand strong and sober for her throughout her life. I vowed to never ever let my children see me drunk and crying about life’s woe’s while making me toast and worrying about me. I’ve managed to keep all of these vows.
Viewing mine and my brothers lifestyle growing up and choices we made and where we are today, and comparing them to my children’s personalities and actions…. I can honestly say a strong support system along with stability and solid routines make a HUGE difference in children’s lives!!! Sometimes they may not like the rules, but I promise you…. They will appreciate you more for caring than they ever will of you being the “cool” parent!
Anonymommy 