Tag Archives: Selflessness

Marriage after The Baby Arrives

Everyone discusses the cute parts of being a new mom. Funny things the baby does, cute smiles, first milestones…. All the amazing things about bringing a child into this world! It is definitely amazing, but what happens to the marriage post- baby arrival??

I struggled a little with this one at first. My husband and I brought our daughter home from the hospital. We were both proud amazed parents. She was perfect…. 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful, already smiling…. A great sleeper! She was a blessing! I was totally engrossed in all things pertaining to my daughter and being a new mommy. My husband would try to feed her, nope I got it. My husband would go to change her, nope Mamas got it. Bath time, I will do it. Until one day, my husband said in a very surprising tone, “Fine you do it all. I feel like you’re acting like you want to be a single mom…. So go for it.” It was in that moment that I realized I was spending all this time bonding with our daughter…. But neglecting my husband as well as interfering with his time to bond with her. It only took him 3 months to finally speak up about any of it. At first I was taken off guard and upset with him… wondering, “who does he think he is”? So I walked away because I prefer to respond rather than react. I took a few minutes to process what he had just said, and why he had just said it.

Upon reflection, I realized that once our daughter was born I did act like she was only my daughter. I also became engrossed in all things her. I had stopped trying to bond with my husband and remind him how much I love him. And as I said before, every time he tried to bond with her I stopped him and took over. I was wrong. His feelings were totally validated and it was time for me to step back, apologize and do damage control.

I approached my husband after he laid our daughter back in her play pin and gently apologized and acknowledged that he had every right to feel the way he did, and I offered him ways that I could think of that could help resolve the current issue and asked him for any suggestions that he thought would help. And I listened and delivered the follow through.

When he went to change/feed/bathe or play with our daughter, I gave him that time without interruption. When he wanted attention from me, I refused to fall back into the habit of saying not right now, I am tired…. I didn’t do that to our daughter… if she needed something I would never say not right now I am too tired, and without my husband and our loving relationship —she wouldn’t be here. So I needed to treat him with the same respect. I needed to let him know he has my heart always and I am not too tired for him either.

Marriage is hard work. But the things that count the most don’t come easy. And if it does come easy, its probably not worth it. We are exhausted after having a baby. But so is dad. We don’t feel very sexy or hot after having a baby. But we are to dad. We are focused on our babies needs and well being, but again, so is dad!!! So when dad is trying to spend time with mom, we as mom’s need to stop treating those attempts as burdens or tasks and start accepting the fact that it is a positive notion. It is undying love. It is amazing that my husband could come home from work, look at me wearing an ugly oversized t shirt with spit up on my shoulder, messy hair, no make up and bags under my eyes and still look at me in my eyes and say, “Hey gorgeous,” with a big ol’ kiss following it. I don’t think dad’s get enough credit sometimes.

My husband and I have been together going on 10 years now. We have had our up’s and down’s…. Sometimes we disagree on a parental decision but for the most part we are on the same page. And sometimes we fall into these ruts where we forget to make time to make the other one feel special and remember how much they mean to us. But the key is to respond, do not react. Do not fight and argue in front of your children, as they need to see nothing less than a united front from you both. If someone brings up an issue that has made them feel some type of way, take the conversation into a private room and be sure to listen more than you talk. Process what they are saying, ask for suggestions on how to fix the issue at hand and honestly put forth the effort to provide follow through. Guys, remember to allow yourselves to be vulnerable occasionally and ladies, never ever ever EVER make a guy feel any less of a man for showing you that vulnerability. Accept it, appreciate it, and listen to him. A relationship takes two people. I know the old saying is, “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” But I feel that should be updated because both people in the relationship should be happy and respected.

I have heard so many men claim they hate their wives, or they left their wives because they treated them so badly or whatever the case was. And yet, after digging deeper into why they felt that way it was because they refused to speak up and show that vulnerable side to their wife. Women are a lot of things, but mind readers aren’t it at all. Or, in some cases the man did attempt to be vulnerable and let her know how he was feeling and she shot him down and made him feel like less of a man because he did try to talk it out. And ladies, that is not fair to him one bit.

So ladies and gentlemen, remember vulnerability is a good thing in a relationship. Remember that being an amazing mom and dad to your kids is great!!! But also remember your kids were made by you AND your husband from the love you two hold, so remember to keep that love alive in the process. Make time for each other. Leave each other little notes to let the other know you’re thinking of them on their way to work….. and last but not least don’t fall into the habit of being too tired for your spouse constantly. Sometimes is totally acceptable, but not constantly. You don’t tell your baby or your job you’re too tired to do something they need. Have the same respect for your spouse and think of a game plan that works for everyone. If they need to talk, listen. If they need a hug or a kiss, hug them and don’t let go until they let go of you to ensure they got as much time as they needed in your arms. It really is the smallest things that means the most sometimes!!

With love, from our marriage to yours 💜

The Golden Rule

“Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.” -Confucius

I work heavily in a customer service relations environment. And a, as you all know already, I am a mommy. I work from home for a company where our main focus is researching and responding to complaints. I live by Confucius’ quote and it pays off.

As parents we have to lead by example. If not, then we get rebellious misunderstanding children. “Well you say this but do that… so why can’t I?” I know this is the outcome because it was the exact way I was as a child. (Many regrets now due to my rebellious days, but that is neither here nor there.)

Almost everyone I come into contact with on the phone compliments me on how patient I am and how well I listen. I had one lady tell me today that she wished everyone she had to interact with had my attitude and patience. In a job where all you hear are complaints, its super nice to get a compliment in the midst of their anger. I try to relay these instances to my children as best I can. In every situation I am in, I think to myself, “If I were on the other end of this, how would I want to be treated and talked to?” That’s all I want my kids to remember in their day to day lives. Before you react, think it through. Many adults need to learn this as well. (It took me a while, but I finally trained my brain to immediately go to that thought whenever I feel myself getting frustrated in the slightest.) It is also a good way to deescalate almost all situations which, in the long run, benefits you because you are less stressed and spent even less time getting to the solution of the problem by skipping all the arguing and drama.

So the next time you feel yourself getting heated or agitated, take a step back and breathe. Ask yourself, if I were them (kids, boss, customers, mom, dad, wife, etc.) and that had happened to me how would I feel and how would I want my feelings to be handled? When you arrive at an answer, start back in on the conversation and get to a solution. Remind your kids to try this as well. It’s a good way to remind ourselves that others feelings matter just as much as our own.